Ripping off every slasher horror from the 80s, Valentine is a boorish and sub-par horror that confuses what a twist can be.
It begins in hilarious fashion at a school dance in 1988 where a geeky looking boy named Jeremy strikes out over and over again. Rather then give up though, the lad continues to try and ask the girls to dance with him until he finally gets one to make out with him under the bleachers. The girl in question is a little on the larger side and enjoys his attention until a group of school bullies catch them.
They tease them resulting in the girl claiming Jeremy forced himself on her. So the bullies then humiliate the boy.
The movie then jumps forward in time as we meet the four girls who refused to dance with Jeremy and the one who accused him of forcing herself on him. We have Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Shelly (Katherine Heigl), Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) and Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw).
They’re friends brought back together following the death of Shelly who is killed by a masked figure. Shortly after the funeral the remaining women all get Valentine’s cards with threatening messages. They begin to suspect that the boy they all spurned back when they were younger is responsible. It all comes to the boil at a big Valentine’s party.
Sounds really familiar doesn’t it?
Valentine misses the mark by some distance on almost all fronts. The story is very bland and the cast do so little to lift the rubbish turns beyond anything but a yawn. The mystery of the killer never feels like a mystery because anyone who has ever seen a slasher ever knows it isn’t who the film spends most of its time suggesting it is.
To try and keep you guessing, a couple of extra characters are thrown in with sketchy backgrounds and possible motivations. One such character is played by David Boreanaz who looks like he might be falling asleep as he says his lines.
All of this might just be worth it if the reveal was worthwhile but it isn’t. In fact, it’s pretty nonsensical and we get the most half-hearted explanation to follow it too. Even the surviving characters seem glad to have reached the end credits.
There are a few suspenseful moments and a couple of decent deaths scenes. Such as the hot-tub one but it’s not enough to rescue this snore fest.
- The Final Score - 3/103/10