Horror Movie Review: Varsity Blood (2014)

Varsity Blood is a clichéd slasher movie with terrible acting that tries to play the ‘self-aware’ joke incredibly badly. A horror movie being aware of its own clichés & poking fun at them is never a bad thing but here the ‘fun’ never comes. It’s so puzzling & you’re left constantly wondering where the joke is…

We have our token jocks & our token cheerleaders…the first clue is dropped almost instantly as they pick on the nerdy mascot. Shortly afterwards one of the cheerleaders is dispatched by the mascot. All of this occurs within 6 minutes & is about as exciting as paint slowly dripping down an already painted wall…did I mention the paint is grey?

The start of the movie is all about setting up potential killers in the laziest way. We get a backstory regarding our group of unlikeable teens that saw the schools Principal’s daughter die the year before.

The lead’s Mum is then shown to be a ex-husband hating control freak who doesn’t want her teenage daughter being sociable & going to a Halloween night party. Obviously she listens to her mother & goes anyway. The planned party is taking place at a disused barn/house in the middle of nowhere & everyone who is somebody is going.

Their names are un-important, there is no story here. All you need to know is that the men are chauvinistic pigs & the woman are hyper & dumb with one giving us the obligatory nudity.

By now several potential killers have been ear-marked & the film continues to pander to its own clichés while not being funny or clever. The attention to detail is terrible with the teens lighting kerosene lamps even though it is obviously clear there is electric light inside the house.

It is impossible to root for anyone, even the ‘good girl’ lead who is too wholesome for this kind of movie. You’ve seen it all before…boyfriend who she won’t put our for, he acts nice but is a dick behind her back while screwing one of her friends. Throw in the local nerd being her beau from afar & you’ve got a love story that wil go over everyone’s head.

So what is good about Varsity Blood? Well, the blood mainly with there being decent amounts of gore done well. Sure severed heads look fake as hell but arrows through the eye will always be a winner.

As a homage to the slasher movie it works ok, I guess. Female characters just stand & scream as the killer advances on them while men deviate between being cowards & fighters. They all end up the same though…

Perhaps the most unforgivable thing about this movie is the killer reveal…it’s a proper ‘who?’ moment & the character has to explain themselves who they are. How stupid is that!? They also happen to be the worst actor outside of a Wickerman remake & have an accompliceas the final 10 minutes turn into a Scream parody (while not actually begin funny or clever).

Have I convinced you to stay away yet?