Horror Movie Review: Zombie Women Of Satan (2009)

Remember I’ll watch anything once as long as it promises me something in the realm of horror. You know the usual….blood, death & destruction. Tick those boxes & we’re off & running. So what was it about Zombie Women of Satan that appealed to me? Well for starters that title! I mean that promises a lot straight away & probably should have made me a tad wary. It screamed ‘so bad, it’s good’…

So what else? Pervo the Clown? Cults? Zombies? Boobs? There all here yet somehow combine to make an awful movie that even the ‘low-budget’ excuse can’t help if.

The story sees a travelling show of ‘freaks’ go to a secluded & rural farm to take part in a web-interview to increase their fan-base. The freak show is made up of Ringmaster Zeus who constantly bickers with the out-spoken, Pervo the Clown. Harmony Starr the very pretty Burlesque dancer alongside mute giant, Damage & his partner dwarf, Strange Man make up the rest of the motley crew.

Accompanied by Skye Brannigan, a rock & roll singer they head off for their interview.

Unknown to them the farm they are going to also doubles up as a cult hideaway led by Tycho Zander & his sisters Red & Blue. The father of the family experiments on the girls in his lab trying to perfect his zombie formula while the mother of the family is chained up nearby & seems to be a bit…not all there.

While experimenting on one of the woman her blood accidently gets in a bowl of punch which is then served to the woman of the cult. This turns them into zombies & they somehow lose their upper half of their clothing for the rest of the movie. All hell breaks loose as Skye sees her sister who went missing years ago at the cult house & the zombies break out.

Will our motley crew survive the zombie women of Satan? Will Pervo actually manage to get his leg over? Will The Disc finally have enough of boobs?

Zombie Women of Satan is an extremely low budget affair with mostly poor acting, horrible comedy & some pretty shitty moments. Characters like Pervo the clown become so tiresome by time the movie is half over that you stop caring if he lives or dies. The same can be said for the rest of the cast with little character development & some awful sequences. Take the extremely lengthy dwarf shitting scene that goes on for way too long with sound effects & close-ups of his face. What’s the payoff for this? Not that he gets jumped by a zombie or they bite his arse or anything, no there is no payoff except for the shot of his steaming pile of crap. Who thought that was funny?

Just like the excessive use of the word “fuck’” is not funny, no-one would swear that much even James Woods in Vampires would have told them to calm down.

As you might expect with a film like this nudity is going to happen but anyone expecting soft-core porn should look elsewhere (like the internet where porn actually is freely available – why are you watching movies for that?). I said above when the women become zombies a lot of them lose their tops & spend most of the film running around topless.

Fake blood dripping over saggy boobs that are bouncing all over the place (these zombies sprint) is about as sexy as Pervo stopping to have a wank over his bosses picture in the woods. Throw in an uncomfortable zombie rape scene by Tycho which is filmed by his father then shown to his mother who congratulates him on his ‘technique’ to really hammer home just how weird this all is.

You’re probably wondering if there is anything really worth watching about this movie….well Harmony Starr’s burlesque dance is pretty nice to watch & Tycho is played by a really good actor. The family scenes are a messed up but pretty fun to watch & ‘Mother’ is quite a character.

Beyond that….I wish I could say positive things about the gore as there is plenty of it. Sadly the blood effects are terrible, most weapon impacts happen off screen & the zombie women themselves do a pretty horrific job (I’m convinced there was a casting call at a local heavy metal pub considering how many look like metal-heads).

The film also ends with a hint towards a potential sequel…..Zombie Women of Satan 2 is expected 2014! Ha!

Zombie Women of Satan commits several of my horror movie crimes. Unnecessary nudity, rubbish gore & big sections that are just boring. No horror movie should ever have me checking how much time is left before it ends.

Still not as bad as The Wicker Man remake though….