Something Crashed in the Woods is a shocker of movie. An absolute joke of a horror that is near insulting by how little it does. A horrendous story, bad acting from the one and only actor in it and inane nonsense passed off as dialogue.
I take no pleasure in slamming the work of Jeff Profitt. The man wrote, directed and starred in this movie. It’s his labour of love and I recognise that. However, a bad movie is a bad movie and Something Crashed in the Woods is a really bad movie.
Opening with the words on screen that every horror fan should dread by now. The following footage was found in a wooded area in an undisclosed location. Yes, we have ourselves a found footage horror…because in 2019 that well hadn’t been drained completely already.
Regardless of preconceived thoughts on the genre as a whole, hope is always present. Not for an original idea but more for an idea that creates a little intrigue, suspense or terror. It’s rare but when it happens (The Bay, Grave Encounters, Digging Up the Marrow, The Borderlands) it is such a great feeling.
Something Crashed in the Woods introduces us to ‘the guy’ played by Profitt. He has purchased a large expanse of land deep in the woods and plans to build his dream cabin out there. We’re learning all this from his decision to film the entire process. His reasoning? He wants to put the footage online and show others who wish to follow suit just how you go about doing it.
A sensible enough idea and a good enough reason for him to be filming everything. While wandering around the woods he makes the discovery of trees that have been stripped, cut or burnt. One or two would be nothing of note but he continues to find more and more so suspects late night prowlers. He plans to come back at night and catch them in action but ends up finding something far stranger in the woods.
Aliens. Well, lights really as the final few minutes is made up of bright lights in the distance at night and the sound of growls before the movie ends. You see nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no intrigue, no questions you’ll want answered because the movie did nothing to earn it.
It is not hyperbole to say that the first hour of this 74-minute movie is just the guy wandering around in the woods looking at burnt trees. It is simply phenomenal how little happens and how many times you’ll hear him explain why he is filming. Then explain what he is looking at or explain what he is going to do.
It would be funny if it wasn’t so infuriating. You’ll find yourself screaming at the screen for him to either ‘shut up’ or to ‘do something’! He never does though and while you feel relief that it is finally over, you’ll have serious remorse for wasting 74 minutes of your life on it.
Something Crashed in the Woods
The Final Score - 1/10