Horror Movie Review: Marco Polo (2008)

Written and directed by Alton Glass, starring Christina DeRosa, Bryce Wagoner, and Jennia Fredrique Aponte, Marco Polo is not a good film. Let that be made clear straight away, although happily, most will realise this fact after watching the first ten minutes. Where, hilariously, we get to see events that lead to the famous 13th century merchant, explorer and writer becoming a supernatural creature with a penchant for murder and mayhem.

Which is really unfortunate for a group of friends, all as obnoxious as each other, who have gone camping and awoken the beast. I’m still not sure why Marco wants to kill everyone that enters his patch of woods.

I’m trying, I really am, but this film is so bland and boring that it took several sessions to get through the film completely. Even, then I can barely remember anything that happened in it, so uneventful is it. Unless you count a bunch of unlikable characters, poorly acted, being killed by a baffling supernatural being in some uninspired woods, eventful.

Sure, things are happening on screen, but it’s your basic slasher stuff, which could be fine if it was entertaining in some way, but it’s not. Hell, it’s not even played for laughs when it really should be. I mean the killer is Marco freaking Polo, why are we taking this so seriously? It really does though, and this includes spending a bit of time creating characters, creating internal conflict over a brother moving away, and defining relationships, even if they’re about as convincing as Marco’s weird mask.

All of this character stuff would be a positive thing, except everything it does with the characters is so monotonous and repetitive, it’s impossible to get invested. Also, like I said before, nobody is turning in a performance to remember here.

So, it comes back to the horror, and that is where this wretched film truly fails, not only making its villain stupid, but making their abilities confusing and constantly finding ways to dull their threat. For a supernatural being, Marco sure acts pretty damn human, and all of his kills are lacklustre, even if there are moments of blood and gore that deserve a slight nod of the head.

It’s the smallest amount of praise, and I don’t want it fooling anyone, Marco Polo is a bad film from a visual and sound perspective, but its biggest crime is that its story is staggeringly boring. It’s a genuine struggle to finish it, which surely tells you that this is one to completely avoid.

Marco Polo as a slasher killer? It was doomed from the start.