Horror Movie Review: Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove (2005)

Ahoy, matey! Shiver me timbers! Walk the plank! Avast, ye landlubbers! Where’s me grog!? Arrr!

That’s about the extent of my pirate lingo, but it’s on par with what director Gary Jones, who co-wrote the story with Jeffery Miller, has to offer with Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove. However, it becomes quite clear early on, that this film isn’t really supposed to be taken seriously, and no-one gets this more than Rhett Giles, who plays Roger “Jolly Roger” LaForge.

He’s a pirate, a wicked pirate, who died a long time ago, and is now back, all thanks to the antics of some partying ‘teens’. He’s here to find his buried treasure, but to get to it, he first needs the heads of those who betrayed him when he was alive. Not actually them, seeing as he’s been dead for centuries, but their descendants. Heads will roll, unless Alex (Tom Nagel) and Jessie (Kristina Korn) can find a way to stop him and save those still destined to walk the plank.

It’s so silly, that it almost becomes quite an entertaining flick. I say almost because it’s an ‘up and down’ ride that is enjoyable whenever Jolly Roger is involved, but far too much of the film is dominated by the bland and boring characters of Alex, Jessie, and Chief Mathis (Thomas Downey). Nobody cares about Alex’s criminal past, or that Jessie exists, or that Mathis’ is having to deal with a corrupt Mayor (Pamela Munro) who knows more about Jolly Roger than she is letting on. All we want to see is ‘yo-ho’ action, and far too much of this film lacks it.

When it’s fun, it’s fun though. As Jolly Roger, Rhett Giles is cheesing it up in hilarious fashion. Able to move around town without anyone really batting an eyelid at how he looks or how he acts. His murder spree is extensive, the gore is decent, and almost every head lopping off comes with pirate puns for even more groan-inducing moments. The highlight though? The strip club scene. It’s so stupid.

Which is the summation of Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove as a whole, Dumb, and just about fun, provided you can get past the dull moments (and very slow start) and find a way to appreciate the silly antics of the evil pirate. Thankfully, he does make it easy enough.