Who knew that elves weren’t helping Santa out in the North Pole? Who knew that they were actually demonic creatures that the Nazi’s secretly worshipped? Who knew that Hitler’s dream of a pure-blooded Aryan race was actually a race of half human/half elf hybrids?
Elves, a 1989 horror has opened my eyes.
Kristen, alongside her two friends performs an anti-Christmas ritual where she accidentally cuts her hand. This awakens an ancient & evil elf whose sole mission is to mate with her. A group of modern day Nazi’s have been preparing for this alongside her grandfather (who is also her father – got to keep her pure-blooded, right?)
This is all unknown to Kristen for most of the movie as she pouts & moans about Christmas & her nasty mother. Her one distraction are her friends & the boys at the shipping mall where she works.
Meanwhile Mike (played by a bored Dan Haggerty) is ex-cop who lost his job & is given a job playing the mall Santa Claus. Homeless he sleeps at the store at night secretly but one night is disturbed by Kristen & her friends who are planning a late-night rendezvous with some of the boys.
They group come under attack from the Nazi’s & the elf forcing Mike to protect Kristen.
You got to give credit where credit is due, Elves has a very unique story line. It’s wacky & very stupid but it does create some unintentionally hilarious scenes. Watching Dan Haggerty talk about an evil elf having to copulate with Kristen as all part of a Nazi master plan makes it worth it. His mouth is saying the words but his face is filled with pure disbelief. He is the best thing about this film playing it completely straight.
The rest of the cast are nothing special but with dialogue this cringe-worthy they never really had a chance.
The elf itself looks terrible, clearly nothing more than a puppet with stiff movements & the same snarl plastered across its face. It does get to kill a few people but it’s never exciting or that clever.
It’s just such a crazy movie though that it’s amazing it ever got past the first script. Any other era but the 80’s & it would never have been made. Check it out, it’s way more hilarious then they ever intended (a puppet elf electrocuting a naked woman is always worth watching).
The Final Score - 5/10
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