Horror Movie Review: There’s Snow Escape (2022)

I’ve wondered, time and time again, if I’m a secret masochist as way of explaining my desire to watch any old trash. Did you film a 90-minute horror on your 2005 Nokia in your backyard at night with your drunk friends and family spending around £100 on sets, costumes, and effects? Send it my way. I’ll check it out. I won’t like it, but I’ll watch it.

See? I’m sick. Help me.

Directed by Andrew Sawyer, who is credited as co-writer alongside Allison Lahikainen and Lisa Robichaud. The cast includes the likes of Joe Cavaliere, Timothy Daoust, Christin Johansson, and Kristie Russo.

While not as bad as my egregious suggestion above, There’s Snow Escape comes pretty close to reaching that bar. Although some of the effort to be more than just a poorly made and cheap indie film is admirable, it’s still a very rough film and extremely difficult to get through because it is so boring. At least the cast looked like they might have had some fun making it.

The story surrounds a killer snowman. Not Jack Frost, but one housing the soul of a murderous lumberjack, a local legend. Several different groups of people, from party goers to campers, hikers, and couples hoping for some peace and quiet, are about to find out just how real this legend is.

Set in and around some woods in, what looks to be the height of Summer, There’s Snow Escape! wears its stupidity like a badge of honour. Proudly displaying the absurdity of the period, location, and villain, while making some effort to make the characters matter before they become victims of the chilly one. Alas, pride in the swill your offering will only get you so far as it quickly becomes apparent that what we have here is padded to the absolute max.

Where, for large swathes of the film, nothing happens, and characters yammering on with zero significance, guarantees most will switch off. This isn’t hyperbole either. The film begins slowly, and doesn’t move into a higher gear until well over the halfway point, but even then, it’s only second bloody gear. The lack of energy here is so notable that it means when something lively does happen, it still feels slow.

Action scenes are few and far between, but at least the gore is liberal and it’s an area where the obvious cheapness actually gives the film a little bit of charm. Just a little bit, mind you, as I think most people will think I’m mad for finding positives in a film that really can be summed up as trash.

No matter the positives though, it all comes back to the negatives, with the most significant being quite unforgivable. For all its visual, sound, character, and acting flaws, the fact that it is so dull for so long, is enough to make it one to avoid.