Game – Movie Review: Alone In The Dark (2005)

The hardest kind of films to make seem to be ones that have been adapted from games. There are far more bad ones then there are good even when the games story seemed perfect for it. One such game that surely couldn’t go wrong was the imaginative Alone in the Dark game or at least that is what I thought….

Let’s get this out of the way now, Alone in the Dark is not only the worst video-game adaption I have ever seen, it is also one of the worst movies to have ever been made.

Edward Carnby is a detective of the paranormal investigating the recent death of a friend. Following clues he uncovers a mystery surrounding an ancient culture who worshiped demons. These monsters exist in the worlds between light & darkness & are intent on coming back. Carnby alongside his ex-girlfriend Aline, an anthropologist & ancient demon worshiping culture expert set about stopping them.

Along the way they will face many dangers from both the demonic forces & the secret government agency, 713.

Does the plot make sense? It took me ages to put that synopsis together & I probably made a mistake or 2. The problem is that the movies plot makes no sense & is terribly confusing. Don’t believe me? The movie opens with the longest scrolling text that I have ever seen in a movie. No really, it just goes on & is supposed to bring the watcher up to speed with an unnecessarily confusing back story. The fucked up thing is it doesn’t make the film any easier to follow!

I can’t stress this enough, the plot is terrible & has almost no connection with the game. This is barely a horror movie & more of an action movie. I lost count of the number of gun-fights in the end scenes. The director (the famous Uwe Boll) seems to be obsessed with slow-motion & moving the camera all the time. It makes you feel sick the way it is constantly panning & swooping.

During a lengthy chase/fight scene the slow motion is used so much that even the most minor thing such as jumping over a fence or looking menacing is done that way. It would be laughable if I didn’t think about the poor people who paid to go se this movie.

Those poor people had to put up with some the worst acting I have ever seen. Some of the cast are good actors with credible movies under their belts such as Christian Slater & Stephen Dorff but they suffer terribly in this movie. Some of the dialogue is so bad I’m amazed they didn’t quit half-way through it. I mean for some reason Stephen Dorff’s character has to swear to such an extent it seems clearly forced.

Slater is the reason why this movie won’t get a 0/10; he is just about passable delivering lines that are absurd with about as much conviction as a plank of wood. He is often heard saying ‘what the hell’s going on here’? I’m not sure if he was actually delivering lines there or asking the director….

How could I talk about the acting without mentioning Tara Reid…I’m convinced a blow-up doll with a tape recorder for a voice would have been an improvement. She is just….awful & has zero chemistry with her ex, Carnby highlighted by a mis-placed & awkward sex scene. I was seriously gutted in the end when she didn’t die.

The monsters look ok, not scary at all & clearly effects but my favourite design is the body armour worn by the army folks, they have muscle definition. They actually painted muscle definition onto the body armour…

The soundtrack has to be mentioned…it’s an Uwe Boll special & filled with heavy metal. As always he cranks up the volume when it comes to an action scene or shoot-out. It’s irritating & detracts from what is going on…then again maybe that is what he wanted?

Quite possible one the worst movies I have ever seen. Unbelievably poor with very little positive to say. Massively disappointing as the game has such potential to work as a movie….

Even the trailer isn’t worth watching….